Socially Posted.

impeachment blessings upon us all.

my mother told me she’s proud of my cat, i can die now.

good news, my hip has been cleared for sexual activity should i ever want to watch any.

mom listening to my music: what is this, a dirge?

if you use faceapp on an already old person, does it just turn them into a smoking pile of ash or something?

how is it almost may i still have tabs open from 2017.

julian assange’s beard is how i feel at the end of every week in advertising.

can you declare a national emergency if you are one? #sotu

everyone else: yes, and…

me: yes and but also maybe just please god no.

to the neighbor blasting aerosmith’s “don’t want to miss a thing”: but i do.

banner ads think i’m fat, dying and republican. technology, you get me.

geezus mitch mcconnell take the werther’s candies out of your mouth when speaking.

i didn’t get a presidential text alert, i guess this means the feeling’s mutual.

there’s just no excuse for walking around in public wearing a santa hat even if you’re santa itself.

’tis the season for the annual holiday party conduct reminder email.

vote like your cats depended on it.

instead of 2018 taxes, i filed a year’s worth of grievances. #1040JW

i’ve already broken all my new year’s resolutions so i guess i just stay this way now.

thanks for everything, 2018, you were great, we’re all gonna go die now. #nuclearbutton

if trump’s penis is a button i feel even sorrier for melania.

fighting is my love language. 

stand-up desk users: sit down, be humble. 

men, never forget women literally made you, you ungrateful pieces of shit. #internationalwomensday #amidoingitright

not today, guys, NOT TODAY. #internationalwomensday

groundhog predicts 6 more weeks of tide pods.

groundhog predicts 6 more days of bitcoin.

groundhog predicts 6 more years of polar bears.

cars had the right to drive themselves before the women of saudi arabia. #youjusthadnttearnedityetbaby

man, lose a few pounds and you find out just how fat your friends thought you were.

happy to hear that the impending nuclear holocaust will finally eradicate the world’s two weirdest haircuts.

it’s finally as bitterly cold outside as my insides.

to the guy emphatically flipping off the life-size nutcracker figures in front of crown center on my walk to work this morning: holiday message received.

happy 2017-oween, where every day is actually horrifying. 

sorry my neck is unintentionally horrifying, kids. 

uber driver: where are you?
me: i’m the one in front of the hotel, holding a bunch of shit and not wearing any pants.

uber driver: are you yani?
me: yes.

uber driver: is ’despacito’ okay?
me: …

man, trader joe’s at midday is almost exclusively an athleisure playground.

i think i’m finally old enough to wear whatever fool thing i want and have it written off as senility.

thanks for noticing i cleaned my plate, guy i just met, now stfu.

much affirmation from the patriarchy today:

rando mustachioed man at target: “you are so lucky, very few women could wear those jeans.” uhhh…

rando baseball cap-wearing guy in truck: a thumbs up and “looks good” on my parallel parking. yeah…i know.

pretty sure that puts me at least at a 16% approval rating among white males.

really i expected a lot more screaming. #eclipse

maybe collectively burning out our retinas is just next in the natural progression of things. #eclipse

i’m pretty sure some erections last longer than #scaramucci.

“i like your shoes, they look comfortable” is not the compliment you think it is.

jeff sessions just finished testilying before the senate intelligence committee.

comey: i don’t want to be alone with trump.
melania: this is option?

if i #covfefed i’d delete it too.

i’d still rather watch that realistic united airlines commercial than that fake pepsi footage.

why didn’t trump just tear off his blond wig and hand syria a pepsi.

my dental hygienist made me hug her.

lady gaga jumps to her death at end of #superbowl performance rather than finish watching game.

day 54. i do not accept my orange oppressor.

i’m not sure how much bigger my butt can get but me and this croissant are excited to find out.

can trump have putin hack into my emails? no really, i forgot my password.

i know it’s only august but it’s never too early to start the war on christmas.

today was a good reminder why the rest of the year is leave your kid at home day.

the only thing we have to fear is trump itself.

you all should see the sandwich hoard i have going in the work fridge.

i cannot be expected to keep my eyebrows on in this humidity.

it’s barkley’s bring your parents to work day! i can already sense their profound disappointment in me.

you mean this whole time i’ve been playing scrabble and i could’ve been playing woman cards?

if you all are going to keep having babies, i’m going to have to get more cats. this has been a warning.

avocados are a reason to go on living right?

doing my taxes. where’s the co-dependent line item?

pulling on my pantsuit. ‪#‎demdebate‬

the existence of trump is the best case for abortion.

so you’re telling me there’s a chance, powerball.

if trump wins the nomination, i’m voting for isis.

are we sure it’s not cancer that causes hot dogs?

paul ryan: the state of the union is swole, bruh.

anyone who says women aren’t funny clearly has never seen a vagina.

i’m from the cornball belt.

one day i’ll be thin, successful and young, i just know it.

it’s national cat day! and here i am, without any on me.

i guess now i’ll get married . . . when cats can get married?

so far, shaking my fist and muttering “you’ll never get my job!” at the interns appears to be working.

donald trump announces his lunacy for president.

i’m sure tim hunt has a valid point about women in science, but he sounds so shrill and hysterical i can’t take him seriously.

american pharoah wins! it’s a great day for rich white people. they really needed this.

kim jong-un realizes no one was going to see that movie anyway, right?

if i don’t make this face how will you know you have displeased me.

i have two starter cats and plan to level up from there, i just said to someone.

after seeing the movie, i understand that stephen hawking’s theory of everything has to do with the effects of time on his first wife.

live every day like it’s national cat day.

come on royals! let’s win this or i’m taking back my entire two weeks of fandom.

according to social media, tonight’s was the blurriest #superbloodmoon on record.

now for a limited time, my posts like everything else will be pumpkin spice flavor.

currently wearing one of those “i voted and am damn smug about it” stickers.

i’ve already fallen down this morning but because i’m an optimist, i’m convinced it won’t be the most embarrassing thing to happen to me today.

the apple watch is a beautiful expression of form, function and conspicuous consumption.

my anxiety is generalized just enough to be uninteresting.

i’ll wear transitions lenses when they transition into something other than crappy-looking glasses.

if you don’t have 27 tabs open at once, you’re not living.

hearing radiohead while shopping really puts a damper on my exuberant consumerism.

surely by now that man vs. food guy has wrought revenge on the big sandwich that bullied him as a child.